I haven’t used iTunes in a long time – a very long time. It’s been at least four years, now that I am thinking about it. I don’t quite remember why I downloaded it to my PC, but I’m sure it had something to do with a desperate attempt to save Paramore’s The Summer Tic EP off of an iPhone 4 that used to be my primary smartphone. I later figured out that I had it saved to a USB drive somewhere at the bottom of the tech drawer, between a calculator and 30-pin cable (La Dispute fans?).
I feel like this accurately describes what my love of music has become over the years: not as relevant, but ever present, even if you don’t see it right away. Music was my entire life at some point. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rock star. I lost my mind the first time I learned about the Vans Warped Tour. When I was in middle school, my closest friends and I tried to start a band. Kiss The Skyline never left the garage, but I was still stoked on the idea of making music with friends. That was the first of a handful of bands that I’ve tried to start. If you’re wondering, none of them got out of the practice space. I learned that music was much harder than I originally thought. But, ultimately, that was not why I decided to pursue a different profession.
I picked up a guitar for the first time in months this week. It was like running into an old friend – one that you used to be very close with before you drifted your separate ways because of college or jobs or whatever else happens to people. I played “Space Oddity” by David Bowie as loudly as I felt comfortable to play even though I was alone that afternoon. I brought out a microphone, messed with my webcam settings, and recorded… then I showed it to no one and deleted it. This was a pattern that I knew all too well. I got the urge to play, to write, to be creative; I’d practice, record, and then go back over it only to scrutinize myself over minute details that led to me giving up. I had no confidence. It’s a thing that I’m still working on, to be honest, and it stretches far beyond playing the guitar or singing.
I’ve learned a lot about confidence over the years. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be unsatisfied with yourself every so often. It’s okay to take breaks from things when you’re stressed out. It’s okay to suck at something because it’s the first step to being sorta good at something (Thanks Jake!). You can enjoy something without being good at it. I’m still not the best guitarist, singer, writer, drummer, bassist, violist… I’m not even close to it. But I should never have let that stop me from loving music. It shouldn’t stop me from learning the songs of bands I enjoy, or from posting things on the internet because I want to. That’s kind of the point of this blog: I’m writing all of this because I like writing. I like music. I like writing about music. I’m here to just be myself and I am doing it for myself.
I think that is the bit that has changed over the years – who I am doing all of this for. I’m writing, making music, taking pictures, and expressing myself for myself. I like it. If you also happen to like it, I appreciate the thought. I also appreciate the time you took to read my first true blog post! If not? Well… it’s a good thing that this “Titantic” is synced to her own version of iTunes. Not yours.